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It's easy to see what we did wrong after the fact. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. In the moment though, it seems we're usually more Stevie Wonder than Steve Jobs. We get caught up in our own emotions and often fail to think logically.

It was just like any other Saturday night. My girlfriend of 8 months was sitting on the couch, under the covers. I had just entered from the kitchen. Popcorn, soda, and a movie. It's how we spent every Saturday night while it was pouring outside. Sometimes the movies weren't always as good as we hoped. Thats when we would move on to other activities. Tonight, the film was passable. She was much more drawn in than I was. Probably had something to do with the "boy meets girl, falls in love, takes sometime but girl eventually finds she loves him back and they end up happily ever after" story line. As it drew to a close she glanced at me and asked in her happy go lucky tone, "Sooo did you enjoy it?". To which I casually replied with a "Yeah, it was alright", accompanied by a half nod and shoulder shrug. She punched me softly in the chest and exclaimed "Kinda? Omg it was amazing!". I changed my stance and told her "Yeah, it was." She gave me a kiss and I returned the favor by softly kissing on her neck for a few minutes.

Shockingly, her phone started vibrating. She quickly broke away from and checked it. She had a gargantuan smile on her face whilst responding to the text. She then proceeded to tell me she had to leave. I inquired, "Where are you going?". To which she told me not to worry about it. I was taken aback. I felt I deserved to know. After a quick back and forth in which I tried to break her, to no avail, she got loud, " No!
Leave me alone and let me go." I raised my voice in return and our worst argument of the relationship ensued. I promptly told her to leave and not come back. She slammed the door on the way out and I got one more word in before she closed her car door.

After about 15 minutes of sitting on the couch with my head in my hands and coming to gripes with the fact I had overreacted, I decided to go to sleep. But not before trying to call her. No answer. Probably had that coming. I didn't sleep well that night.

Next afternoon after returning from my routine run my mom told me she had seen Melainas mom at the store. They had a brief conversation with my mom asking how had Melaina been. Appearently, her own mother hadn't seen her since yesterday morning; when she had come over to my place. As quickly as humanly possible I pulled out my phone and called her. "This person cannot be reached at this time" stated the automated voice prompter. I tried to reach her every 30 minutes, every hour, for the rest of the day. No response. Not once. Same automated response every time.

It's been 2 years now. I haven't talked to her since that Saturday night. She didn't die. She had gone to pick up a gift for our 9 month anniversary in 2 weeks. She has a low tolerance for ignorance. I was ignorant that night. I payed the consequences. Some might say the consequences were a bit to severe. That's just how things are sometimes though. Melaina is more than likely better off than me right now. I'm in college, working towards getting my degree. As is she. Except I never got over it one hundred percent. I'm still stuck with the thoughts of "What could've been if I hadn't made one mistake?" That's all it takes to end things sometimes. One mistake. I guess I just have to live and learn. Continue the moving on process.
 

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Synopsis said:
It's easy to see what we did wrong after the fact. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. In the moment though, it seems we're usually more Stevie Wonder than Steve Jobs. We get caught up in our own emotions and often fail to think logically.

It was just like any other Saturday night. My girlfriend of 8 months was sitting on the couch, under the covers. I had just entered from the kitchen. Popcorn, soda, and a movie. It's how we spent every Saturday night while it was pouring outside. Sometimes the movies weren't always as good as we hoped. Thats when we would move on to other activities. Tonight, the film was passable. She was much more drawn in than I was. Probably had something to do with the "boy meets girl, falls in love, takes sometime but girl eventually finds she loves him back and they end up happily ever after" story line. As it drew to a close she glanced at me and asked in her happy go lucky tone, "Sooo did you enjoy it?". To which I casually replied with a "Yeah, it was alright", accompanied by a half nod and shoulder shrug. She punched me softly in the chest and exclaimed "Kinda? Omg it was amazing!". I changed my stance and told her "Yeah, it was." She gave me a kiss and I returned the favor by softly kissing on her neck for a few minutes.

Shockingly, her phone started vibrating. She quickly broke away from and checked it. She had a gargantuan smile on her face whilst responding to the text. She then proceeded to tell me she had to leave. I inquired, "Where are you going?". To which she told me not to worry about it. I was taken aback. I felt I deserved to know. After a quick back and forth in which I tried to break her, to no avail, she got loud, " No!
Leave me alone and let me go." I raised my voice in return and our worst argument of the relationship ensued. I promptly told her to leave and not come back. She slammed the door on the way out and I got one more word in before she closed her car door.

After about 15 minutes of sitting on the couch with my head in my hands and coming to gripes with the fact I had overreacted, I decided to go to sleep. But not before trying to call her. No answer. Probably had that coming. I didn't sleep well that night.

Next afternoon after returning from my routine run my mom told me she had seen Melainas mom at the store. They had a brief conversation with my mom asking how had Melaina been. Appearently, her own mother hadn't seen her since yesterday morning; when she had come over to my place. As quickly as humanly possible I pulled out my phone and called her. "This person cannot be reached at this time" stated the automated voice prompter. I tried to reach her every 30 minutes, every hour, for the rest of the day. No response. Not once. Same automated response every time.

It's been 2 years now. I haven't talked to her since that Saturday night. She didn't die. She had gone to pick up a gift for our 9 month anniversary in 2 weeks. She has a low tolerance for ignorance. I was ignorant that night. I payed the consequences. Some might say the consequences were a bit to severe. That's just how things are sometimes though. Melaina is more than likely better off than me right now. I'm in college, working towards getting my degree. As is she. Except I never got over it one hundred percent. I'm still stuck with the thoughts of "What could've been if I hadn't made one mistake?" That's all it takes to end things sometimes. One mistake. I guess I just have to live and learn. Continue the moving on process.
Not gonna lie Synop, this isn't good. From the very first lines it's weak writing riddled with cliches.

"In the moment though, we're usually more Stevie Wonder than Steve Jobs." That just sounds like a wack rap line taken straight from the Gudda Gudda textbook. Mildly clever on the surface (oh, they were blind in the relationship like Stevie Wonder, not smart like Steve Jobs!), but vapid underneath. A regular metaphor would've worked much better.

"Happy go lucky tone." Cliche.

Unconvincing dialogue.

"Shockingly, her phone started vibrating." Strange transition. Her phone does start ringing out of the blue, but I wouldn't use the word 'shockingly'.

"She had a gargantuan smile." I wouldn't use the word 'gargantuan' either. It just sounds like you're stuffing in a bigger word for the sake of it, rather than considering a simpler and more appropriate one.

About the cliches, try and think more out of the box with comparisons or whatever you're saying. With the line, "Boy meets girl, falls in love..." you were addressing the cliche movie romance, but you don't add any more commentary, so it just comes off as a cliche critique of cliches.



 

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Common said:
Not gonna lie Synop, this isn't good. From the very first lines it's weak writing riddled with cliches.

"In the moment though, we're usually more Stevie Wonder than Steve Jobs." That just sounds like a wack rap line taken straight from the Gudda Gudda textbook. Mildly clever on the surface (oh, they were blind in the relationship like Stevie Wonder, not smart like Steve Jobs!), but vapid underneath. A regular metaphor would've worked much better.

"Happy go lucky tone." Cliche.

Unconvincing dialogue.

"Shockingly, her phone started vibrating." Strange transition. Her phone does start ringing out of the blue, but I wouldn't use the word 'shockingly'.

"She had a gargantuan smile." I wouldn't use the word 'gargantuan' either. It just sounds like you're stuffing in a bigger word for the sake of it, rather than considering a simpler and more appropriate one.

About the cliches, try and think more out of the box with comparisons or whatever you're saying. With the line, "Boy meets girl, falls in love..." you were addressing the cliche movie romance, but you don't add any more commentary, so it just comes off as a cliche critique of cliches.

Thanks, I appreciate the honesty, and I will try to improve upon my mistakes next time :)
 

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"Shockingly, her phone rang"

No.
Never. Do not do this. There's nothing about a phone vibrating that shocks anybody

Anyway I think the overall outline you have in te OP is ok but the writing itself lets it down. Where's the "flow"? The craft to it, whatever. I think you should add to it with more descriptions of reactions, environments etc. it doesn't have to be a lot, if you can get in one or two telling details then the whole thing can be a lot more effective.

Also, try and switch up your sentence structures, it can feel flat. The mix of long and short , starting with a different word and just tossing up the "flow" will help you a lot
 

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For example what I mean is when she's describing the movie, it's not necessary for you to say how she talked ("happy go lucky tone"), the way you wrote the dialogue actually communicates this.
You know how they say if you're just starting, show not tell? This is what I mean, show how something happens rather than tell us, ie instead of saying "we had just finished watching a movie" show us something like "I came, and watched her take the DVD off the tray" or something like that (that was a lil clumsy lol). But yeah, you can't always do it, but it makes it flow a lil better, in the way that you aren't constantly prefacing everything. Always Do what you want tho lol
 
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