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Discussion Starter #1
They say I’m too self-centered but that’s only for the simple fact that my heart is where people never seem to enter
I never had a mentor but in my own world my life is right in the center
Everything revolves around me
But you can’t see me cuz I am a Ghost
Even when I was alive I was always overlooked by most
People think they know me but they was never even close
My life was on going roast so here’s to me now let’s have a toast
I made it through the pain & heartache
I’m awake, slice the victory cake, no more pain I have take,
Came up as real as Drake but now that I’m finally here ****** call me fake
Is it because now I make more money than you make?
Or is it because when I’m at store I grab everything I can take?
I don’t give a damn if my street cred is at stake!
Money is what makes me ME
So I can’t stop because I love the money and even though it gets lonely I never feel phony
Haters gone kill their selves once they realize
They can’t bring me down so go ahead and criticize
I became a star so the whole world could watch me die, no lie
I would love for me to die like MJ and watch my people cry
Yup that’s right I’m pretty sick in the mind but what’s even sicker is my rhymes
 

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It's pretty good yeah ... I mean I'm no expert but the one thing I would say is try and get multi-syllable rhymes at the end of your bars rather than just like "stake" and "take".

Oh and I can't quite get the flow for it, but I mean if it's just a written verse, the flow isn't that important.
 

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I would say try writing your lines to sync up with the timing of a metronome. Not saying use one, but each bar should like fit within a.....bar. Also, in addition to multi-syllable rhymes, I would utilize an internal rhyme scheme in which the rhymes aren't solely at the end of lines.

Otherwise, good shit.
 
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Discussion Starter #6
Luque said:
It's pretty good yeah ... I mean I'm no expert but the one thing I would say is try and get multi-syllable rhymes at the end of your bars rather than just like "stake" and "take".

Oh and I can't quite get the flow for it, but I mean if it's just a written verse, the flow isn't that important.
TROY said:
I would say try writing your lines to sync up with the timing of a metronome. Not saying use one, but each bar should like fit within a.....bar. Also, in addition to multi-syllable rhymes, I would utilize an internal rhyme scheme in which the rhymes aren't solely at the end of lines.

Otherwise, good shit.
Thanks for the advice guys ;)
 
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