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I posted this on klive a while back so i figured i would put it here too.. an entertaining read i promise it's worth it if you read it through.. its also on my blog that i just started but yeah.. ENJOY!!!!!

Now please follow along from the get go if you really want to appreciate my predicament and how it came to be.  If you do not want to hear a boring intro that leads into something that I thought only happens in movies, then skip to paragraph 3.

The day started with me being startled awake by my alarm at around 8.  I had been up until about 5 so I was fuckin pissed but I had to drive 30 minutes to my dad's house to go to the Yankee game.  So we go, the Yankees win, and we get caught in traffic for three hours.  Upon getting home we go to CVS because my dad needed his pain meds because he hurt his back.  I proceed to tell him that I strained my neck and I try to score some of his pain killers.  Instead he suggests that we go get massages, I agree since I had never gotten one before.

Enter perverse awkward situation that never happens in "real life". I walk into this place and it seems legitimate enough, it looks like every Chinese restaurant from every romantic comedy ever.  I get taken into the back at which time i remove my clothes, put on a towel, and lay down.  My masseuse comes in the room and begins to rub my back.  Now before you get all hard and shit, realize she is an approximately 28 year old woman (to my 19) and is an average looking asian, which automatically means she looks the same as half of the asian population.  Apparently my dad had talked to her (foreshadowing) as she knew that I went to the new Yankee Stadium and was asking all sorts of bizarre questions regarding the Yankees lineup.  Among which were, "Jeter still play Fist base?" (typo intentional), "Teixiera too slow for fist base.", and my personal favorite, "Cano still play fifth base?".  Now after 15 minutes of not knowing what the fuck was going on, I realized that she is talking about batting order not position.  This is obviously not really crucial to the plot, but it establishes the language barrier.

She continues to rub my back and then slowly moves down.  She then removes the towel and begins to massage my ass cheeks.  Now I had never gotten a massage, so I didn't really know what was generally acceptable, but I was uncomfortable nonetheless.  She isnt just rubbing my ass cheeks, she is pretending I accept debit and her hand is a Visa, if you catch my drift.  She then massages my thighs and "accidentally" clips my nuts.  I let it go and giggle a lil since I thought it would make for a great story later.  She then instructs me to flip over and lay on my back (towel covering).  I do what she says and she begins to rub my chest and arms.  I then hear someone come in the front door, because of the obnoxious asian ringing bells, and she says, "I be right back."

Now I'm sitting awkwardly waiting for her to come back and I hear the potential customer say, "Do you have any available massages?" She replies with, "Yes, hold on one minute fo' me."  She comes back in and rubs my feet for a bit and then says what I interpreted as, "We are finished."  I figured that's what she said because she had another customer waiting.  I say, "Alright." and begin to sit up.  It is then that I realize she did not say "We are finished." but rather "Do you want to finish." as she instantly removed my towel and began to crank my dick like i was Soulja Boy.  I mean, I never had to mentally prepare for such a situation, so I just let it go, and laid back in shock.  She proceeded to get some lube and jerk me like the New Boyz.


She continues to jerk me off and blow the tip of my dick.  Now when I say blow, I mean literally blow like my dick was a fire she was trying to put out.  This goes on for about 10 mins until I am about to come to fruition.  I attempt to warn her, but all that comes out is, "Uhhhh Imma Cuuuuuuhhhh."  Somehow the language barrier didn't apply to her as she put her hand out like Neo when he stopped the bullets in the Matrix, and prepares.  I finish, and when i say finish i mean supersoaker finish, and she "blocks" my children back onto my chest and stomach.  Now you can imagine at that point, I felt like the majority of my ex girlfriends.  As soon as i finish she leaves the room without a word.  I half expected Ashton Kutcher to come in the room and say, "You just got Spunk'd." but instead she came back with a towel and wiped me down, How generous.

As i get up to leave she sits there looking at me making small talk like i was some one night stand.  I felt like i should have said, "So do i call you? orrrrrr how does this work?"  I make a b line for the fucking door and sit next to my dads truck and wait for him to come out.  5 minutes later he walks out with a grin as big as Yankee Stadium.  Now my initial thought was, "Fuckkkkkk, me and my dad both just got jerked off at the same time.. awkkkk." but that wasnt the case.  He asks how my massage was, I responded how any rape victim would, "Fine." blunt and to the point.  He says, "I have to go tip the girl."  and so I asked, "Your girl?" and he replies, "No, yours.  She jerked you off didnt she?"

I spent the next 5 minutes recovering from the fact that my father is now my pimp, and the next 10 after that trying to get over how fucking disgusting that is.  Now I know this is a long ass post, but i needed to share this story with the world.

Whether you sympathize or just want to laugh at my predicament, feel free to do whatever. haha
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