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Discussion Starter #1
https://soundcloud.com/michaelmarris%2Fthe-way-it-crumbles-prod-by
feedback would be super awesome, thank you for your time :)

Verse 1:

Same shit different day
Sifting through waits
Filing for departure, falling for an art form forming an arch for depth
InCase a heart storm crept
And stepped into my vision
Fuck the usual suitable stringing them along like a harp or net
Sharp tunes is a harpoon to harmful threats
Bounce back like a cartoon in a part 2 sketch
But it's hard to fetch happiness
Past lashes remind me what passion is
And In addition to intuition wishin on a star
Clenches fists, insisting I listen and fix what's in my heart
But now days are too complex wonder where time went
Let's slow it down and keep it simple
I'm into
Deep to be defeated keep sleeping long as you dreamin
But my voice will be here long after I'm leavin Nas said life's a bitch
So Can I trust this girl?
Just as I membered Pac told me to fuck the world I think he meant to put my life in it
Some are showers but I much rather be a grower, the lowest seed I'ont just rhyme
Imma get high off this poetry

Hook:

What is life
Without the pleasure and the pain
You know what it's like
When you measure all the rain
Hoping that light
Can fight the juxtapose of shadows
But you must provoke the battle to adjust your broken travels fore it all falls down
Come crumbling down
Before it all falls down
But are we crumbling down
nooooooooooo
Some say it I what it is
You can call it what you want but imma live how Imma live till I'm gone

Verse 2:

Different day same shit
Revisiting pain my brain dips
But serotonin clips the wings of these stings when I'm smoking
Fogged up glasses visions inhibited
Habit at contact but I won back my habitat
Pawned back lucidity
I keep my circle so tight
Swear there's no way to break up the symmetry
Carry dreams under eyelids
And For starters pitched some ficus
But the only thing I push now are these lines past the margin
I might just
Fuck around and fight for each breath
And try to enlighten knees bent to invite
and leave stress
Cus I almost left
Lost
With no one knowing
Drowning
Now I'mma climb mountains til the whole world fucking knows him
Who knows where the windll blow him
Feather weight whether the weather is great
Even Through hale and pours i stiiiill sail the storm
Some a showers but I much rather be a grower, the lowest seed I'ont just rhyme
Imma get high off this poetry
 

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:allears:
Your writing skills are so on point my dude!
I love the concept. Beat was raw (Except those hi hats in the beginning bug me)
Overall, I think this is a nice ass track, and ive replayed it a couple times :datass:
Inspires me to get back to working on music. haha.
The only suggestion I have would be the same as before, there is just something off at certain times, like you're trying to cram too many syllables in a bar and it just doesnt flow too well.
Also maybe work on your pronounciation a tad, cause there were times when I had to refer back to the lyrics just to catch some bars.
Regardless though, im feeling this my dude, and Im soo down to collab. hahaha
 

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Discussion Starter #3
JadeD. said:
:allears:
Your writing skills are so on point my dude!
I love the concept. Beat was raw (Except those hi hats in the beginning bug me)
Overall, I think this is a nice ass track, and ive replayed it a couple times :datass:
Inspires me to get back to working on music. haha.
The only suggestion I have would be the same as before, there is just something off at certain times, like you're trying to cram too many syllables in a bar and it just doesnt flow too well.
Also maybe work on your pronounciation a tad, cause there were times when I had to refer back to the lyrics just to catch some bars.
Regardless though, im feeling this my dude, and Im soo down to collab. hahaha
Thanks man I really appreciate your criticism!!! Your the fucken best lol

Glad you like it! And I will work on making it better :slick:

What'd you think about the hook?
 

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YG said:
Thanks man I really appreciate your criticism!!! Your the fucken best lol

Glad you like it! And I will work on making it better :slick:

What'd you think about the hook?
I actually thought the chorus was pretty dope except for the whole, "nooooo" part.
Like I dont know, it just sounds awkward and off to me.
Something else is like the last bar of the first verse doesnt transition to the chorus very well.
Its like one of those lines where you have to many syllables.
And going back to the whole "noo" part, I feel like my problem with this is I feel like you should be more emotion on your delivery. Like you're trying to get on some deep shit here bruh, put some emotion into it! Cause as it is right now, it kinda sounds like you're just reading it off a computer screen. No offense bruhh.

But like I said before, thats just me getting super super nitpicky. Like shits raw dude, so keep doing you.
Thats just some things id work on.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
JadeD. said:
I actually thought the chorus was pretty dope except for the whole, "nooooo" part.
Like I dont know, it just sounds awkward and off to me.
Something else is like the last bar of the first verse doesnt transition to the chorus very well.
Its like one of those lines where you have to many syllables.
And going back to the whole "noo" part, I feel like my problem with this is I feel like you should be more emotion on your delivery. Like you're trying to get on some deep shit here bruh, put some emotion into it! Cause as it is right now, it kinda sounds like you're just reading it off a computer screen. No offense bruhh.

But like I said before, thats just me getting super super nitpicky. Like shits raw dude, so keep doing you.
Thats just some things id work on.
oh yeah I feel you man. Needa change some things :/
 

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YG said:
oh yeah I feel you man. Needa change some things :/
nahh. dont even look at it like that bruhh!
Shits raw! Im just hella perfectionist, soo those are the fucking tiny ass things that I noticed. Shits still dope, and most people that hear it arent gonna be super anal like me.
Like straight up I hate being a perfectionist though :(
That why Ive only ever posted one song of mine on here, and it was just an iphone recording. Hahaha.
I almost have a whole ep on Blu & Exiles Below The Heavens that ill probably never believe is good enough to release..
:cryfam:
 

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Discussion Starter #8
JadeD. said:
nahh. dont even look at it like that bruhh!
Shits raw! Im just hella perfectionist, soo those are the fucking tiny ass things that I noticed. Shits still dope, and most people that hear it arent gonna be super anal like me.
Like straight up I hate being a perfectionist though :(
That why Ive only ever posted one song of mine on here, and it was just an iphone recording. Hahaha.
I almost have a whole ep on Blu & Exiles Below The Heavens that ill probably never believe is good enough to release..
:cryfam:
Haha dude I'm such a perfectionist too! So now I gotta change it. Like its bugging me a lot.

I guess it a good trait to have but at the same time it can be disabling
 

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YG said:
Haha dude I'm such a perfectionist too! So now I gotta change it. Like its bugging me a lot.

I guess it a good trait to have but at the same time it can be disabling
Word dude. I know exactly what you're talking about.
But yoo, I feel like if we did a collab tape, the shit would never get done. Hahaha
 

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This is probably the first time I've been impressed with a rapper here..Dope, I'd just work on enunciation. The 'Nooo' could have been taken out. Aside from that, I liked it. 
 

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Discussion Starter #16
ReadyRiches said:
This is probably the first time I've been impressed with a rapper here..Dope, I'd just work on enunciation. The 'Nooo' could have been taken out. Aside from that, I liked it.
:wom:

Thanks man!!!
 

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This is dope, like previously said, the "Nooo" seems a little bit forced and out of place. Besides that, I just think you could maybe put a little bit more emotion into it to kinda get the point across ya digg? But yea, besides that this is very dope bruh. I fux wit it :hat:
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Silky Johnson said:
This is dope, like previously said, the "Nooo" seems a little bit forced and out of place. Besides that, I just think you could maybe put a little bit more emotion into it to kinda get the point across ya digg? But yea, besides that this is very dope bruh. I fux wit it :hat:
Thanks man! :h5:
 
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