Kanye To The: Kanye West

so am going to post again, try new things and hopefully grow to become better.

made this not to long ago, something simple so hope you enjoy.


a land once my ancestors
hearts spoke for true soldiers
providing reassurance to others
welcomed those within our environment
humans are equals, eyes of no judgement
yet, here I stand on land I wish not to remember.


Together as family was ecstatic
we suffered for reasons that are illogic
gun powder screams and argued
voiceless and everyday is bloodshed
dreams devoured by those who ruled
in growth for the white empire
carnage pours, yet we still remain together.


Lost the ways of spirituality
no epiphany so  we walk across blindly
toxic absorbed into the veins
dis-honour locked away in chains
ones value perished by those connected to the electric
here on this land I wish to forget
together we die away, separately. 

---

Very good my man.

One thing though, I think you should work more on your rhymes. Lines like "toxic absorbed into the veins, dishonor locked away in chains" sounds so epic because of the rhymeschemes and how they go together, you should do that more often IMO.

All emotional right now.

It's just so. SO. I dont wanna use words like beautiful or amazing or whatever cos frankly they're redundant. But this is so fresh. I like how I can clearly see the rap influence in there.

This could be re-arranged to make such an (I usually reserve this word for wars and **** but here you go) epic sorta rock song. Like Linkin Park or Radiohead type shiz.

Don't stop what you do cos you OWN this **** David.

thanks ill keep that in mind, when making words fit together

loob!
thanks am glad you liked


I appreciate the help though, hopefully I grow and become better at this.

This was dope! Last stanza has to be my favorite. Keep it up brah

so am going to post again, try new things and hopefully grow to become better.

made this not to long ago, something simple so hope you enjoy.


a land once my ancestors
hearts spoke for true soldiers
providing reassurance to others
welcomed those within our environment
humans are equals, eyes of no judgement
yet, here I stand on land I wish not to remember.


Together as family was ecstatic
we suffered for reasons that are illogic
gun powder screams and argued
voiceless and everyday is bloodshed
dreams devoured by those who ruled
in growth for the white empire
carnage pours, yet we still remain together.


Lost the ways of spirituality
no epiphany so  we walk across blindly
toxic absorbed into the veins
dis-honour locked away in chains
ones value perished by those connected to the electric
here on this land I wish to forget
together we die away, separately. 

are you a native american (if thats the right term)?

My attempt at explaining:

You're descended from natives - they are your ancestors. This land was originally their land.

When the white settlers came, your ancestors welcomed them and taught them skills and helped them survive because they trusted other humans having not come into contact with people who didn;t share their beliefs and morals.

And now you are in the same land but it no longer feels like yours - you are now the outsider

There was no reason for the white man to persecute you - certainly not one that can be understood by yourself and/or any rational person

They had superior weaponry (ie guns) and were thus able to subdue and conquer you and massacre your ancestors (/people) and make the survivors little more than animals who's actions of defiance would be rewarded with brutality - i.e. their voice was taken from them

As the white settlers expanded their empire and moved further and further in land opening up trade routes your people could have dispersed and attempted to integrate but instead chose to maintain their pride and not subjugate themselves to being treated like a second class citizen every day of their lives and so stayed as close knit family/extended family/tribes.

Over time, white culture has become more and more pervasive and it has infiltrated your culture despite efforts to draw a line between the two. As a result ancient traditions (dream/spirit walking) have been neglected and forgotten

The white man has sought to continue to subjugate your people even after the brutality was called to order by selling you alcohol, drugs, and getting you hooked on gambling etc.

It is this and the modern age of internet, TV, etc rather than the violence which has finally succeeded in breaking up your culture. Now you don't even have each other. You are just like everyone else, part of a world that doesn't care and totally insignificant.


If I was right then meaning was clear without being explicit which is a nice balance but I think it would be better if you could leave a little more room for individual interpretation. Then again I'm not sure what you are aiming for with it so you may have wanted it to be clear.

If I was wrong then excellent job - I managed to pull a full and consistent interpretation out of something that was about something totally different. That's the mark of a great poet


EDIT: I said I would do my best to give you worthwhile feedback so... also welcome back - glad to see you writing it again and for what its worth it was very enjoyable and when I came to my interpretation after a little thought I was like "damn "

are you a native american (if thats the right term)?


EDIT: I said I would do my best to give you worthwhile feedback so... also welcome back - glad to see you writing it again and for what its worth it was very enjoyable and when I came to my interpretation after a little thought I was like "damn "

Umm no
I wrote cause where I live, they are looked upon and treated poorly. Friend was Natvie Canadian but now he changed for the worse.
 
But yeah, spot on they have their own area but it's really violent.

So I made this lol thanks

Umm no
I wrote cause where I live, they are looked upon and treated poorly. Friend was Natvie Canadian but now he changed for the worse.
 
But yeah, spot on they have their own area but it's really violent.

So I made this lol thanks

it was the my in the first line that tricked me

Umm no
I wrote cause where I live, they are looked upon and treated poorly. Friend was Natvie Canadian but now he changed for the worse.
 
But yeah, spot on they have their own area but it's really violent.

So I made this lol thanks

also yeah I'm quite into the whole politics of the native american situation. I mean what happened to them was as bad as slavery but no one actually seems to give a ****
It's like they've lacked a voice like Martin Luther King etc.
It make me very sad.

also yeah I'm quite into the whole politics of the native american situation. I mean what happened to them was as bad as slavery but no one actually seems to give a ****
It's like they've lacked a voice like Martin Luther King etc.
It make me very sad.

I guess the first line gave it all away

But yeah, I talked to a lot of them and it's crazy how ignored they are.
How they live, it's harsh.
Some are really nice though but even they are still rejected from everyone.

This was dope! Last stanza has to be my favorite. Keep it up brah